Marriage as Defined by Noodles

I am happily married to my polar opposite. Now, I don't mean we just have different tastes in music or movies, but there is not a single thing we agree on; not fun time activities, not parenting styles and certainly not food preparation techniques.

He's a fast food kinda guy while I'm a fine food kinda gal. While I expertly hand make delicate pastries, his idea of dessert is a box of Jos. Louis. He thinks lemon is disgusting, I think lemon is one of the most underrated pleasures on Earth.

Needless to say, dinnertime at our house has been one giant marriage exam over the years. As I'm toiling over the stove, testing recipes, marrying new flavours, he has been my sometimes unwilling guinea pig. For the first several years, I was sure everything I cooked was awful because his biggest dinnertime compliment was "It's ai-ight". Not exactly the glowing praises I was expecting to hear.

Like any seasoned veteran of a wife, I have learned that I cannot *gasp* change him. Why we gals think we can, I'll never know. So to ease dinnertime struggles and give ourselves a fair chance at a passing grade, these are the changes I've made in myself and my cooking style to suit his more trailer park tastes:

1. Dry it out. Why have moist, succulent chicken breasts when you can have chicken jerky? I pull our meat out when it's almost done, cook his for 15 more minutes at 450 and then pop ours back in for 2. He's happy if he has to take a swig of beer to get every single bite of chicken jerky down.

2. Let it go stale. In an odd moment of "make your man happy" marriage bliss, I once decided to make homemade Jos. Louis. His reaction was something between I'd rather eat foie gras and sidewalk chalk would taste pretty good right now. BUT the last homemade Jos. Louis that sat in the fridge for 5 weeks, well that was the one that made him grin and say "now THIS is what they're supposed to taste like!"

3. Put it on a stick. It may actually be souvlaki, but when you call it "Chicken on a Stick" it pleases the ears so much more, don't you agree?

4. Cook it 'til it's brown. Broccoli is not actually supposed to be green, did ya know that? I'll leave his in the water for a few (or 10) extra minutes until it turns that fabulous grey colour and he praises me that it's "just like my moms".

5. Sog it up. Our biggest clash has always been the noodles, I like them cooked al dente, he likes to make sure that there's no need for chewing. Because I am a good wife, I always make sure I call him for dinner 5 minutes after we start eating so his noodles have have time to decompose within the sauce on the stove.

I must warn you, cooking bad food on purpose is not for the faint of stomach. The wallpaper paste noodles, the cardboard burgers, the burnt on the bottom muffins... they can make you retch in your mouth a little. But if you're a good wife, you can do it. And he'll love you for it.